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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28382685">Enough</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/happystingray/pseuds/happystingray'>happystingray</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-First War with Voldemort, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Raising Harry Potter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-11 01:02:44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,893</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28382685</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/happystingray/pseuds/happystingray</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Just weeks after the end of the first wizarding war, life still has not quite returned to normal. In a way, all Sirius can hope for is to be able to care for Harry when he needs him most. If only he could be enough.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sirius Black/Remus Lupin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>48</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Enough</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Yes, another 'Raising Harry' AU. I don't know why I write these so often, just go with it.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“We have not touched the stars,<br/>nor are we forgiven, which brings us back<br/>to the hero’s shoulders and the gentleness that comes,<br/>not from the absence of violence, but despite<br/>the abundance of it.”</p>
<p>                     — Richard Siken</p>
<p>The weeks following the end of the war, the end of James and Lily Potter, were miserable. Despite the celebrations going on elsewhere, rejoicing in the fall of the Dark Lord that had made everyone’s lives a living hell for years, those who were hurt the most, those who loved and lost, were anything but celebratory. There were still funerals and memorials to go to, graves to be dug, buildings and people and societies to rebuild and repair. The end of a war was a relief, yes,  but it was little more than that. </p>
<p>With the turning of October into November, it was one of the coldest winters the UK had seen. The air was bitter and unforgiving, blowing people over and knocking the leaves off trees in the blink of an eye. There was no snow or hail, only rain or simple dreary grey skies, rarely a sliver of sunlight peering out between the grumpy grey clouds. Not even a crackling fire or a pile of blankets or the company of a friend could warm the grieving’s cold heart. </p>
<p>For Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, especially, it was their hardest winter yet. </p>
<p>Sirius fought tooth and nail with Dumbledore, yelling until his voice was hoarse and pacing in his big, circular office until his feet were aching and he feared he’d walk a hole in his soles, determined to make sure little Harry had a home in which he was loved. He argued with Dumbledore for weeks and weeks, hardly sleeping more than a few hours and never consecutively, too run dry with fighting yet another battle. </p>
<p>Weren’t they supposed to be finished fighting? </p>
<p>At last, barely a week before miserable November could roll into December, the old wizard finally gave in and allowed Sirius to take full custody of Harry. Before then, Harry had been staying with Sirius technically illegally as he impulsively stole Harry away from the front step of the Dursley’s before they could even wake to find the little toddler. There was no way he was letting him go to stay with those monsters. </p>
<p>Even once Harry was officially Sirius’ and he no longer needed to battle for his care, it still did not make it any easier. </p>
<p>Sirius and Remus had a relationship of their own to fix, just like the rest of society needed to fix the broken remains of the war. After months of arguing and mistrust and hiding and betrayal, they both knew that they needed to work through it all, both for themselves and for the sake of Harry. It was a tentative and slow repair, but they were making it work. </p>
<p>Ever since his parents died and he was swept away to live with his godfather, Harry had changed a fair bit already, Sirius couldn’t help but notice. He was much quieter than before, having been a giggly and excitable one year old, now left quiet and still, barely even walking anymore. Where Harry had once been nearly impossible to catch, whether he was scurrying around the house or garden or riding on his little toy broomstick, he now refused to do more than crawl or sit and watch his surroundings.</p>
<p>And, oh, how dreadful his crying could be. </p>
<p>Sirius couldn’t quite pinpoint it, but somewhere in the early days of living with him, Harry gained a newfound attachment to Sirius and Sirius only. Whereas before, Harry had been perfectly content to be passed from friend to friend, James and Lily needing all the support they could get, Harry now refused to be out of the room from Sirius and was nearly always in his arms. He was better with Remus than others, but sometimes he would even be wary of him. On the worst days, Harry wouldn’t even let Sirius go to the toilet without screaming the whole house down. </p>
<p>Today was one of those days. </p>
<p>It was mid-December now and Sirius woke up barely after the crack of dawn, Harry’s shrieks carrying all the way down the corridor and jolting him awake so suddenly he nearly fell out of bed. Beside him, Remus gasped awake, sitting up on his elbows and turning to Sirius with a frown. </p>
<p>“I’ll check on him,” Sirius muttered, throwing the blanket off his legs and climbing out of bed without bothering to turn on the light. </p>
<p>He padded across the small corridor, Harry’s screams still echoing around the house almost painfully. Gently, Sirius pushed the door open and stepped inside, Harry’s crying getting even more unbearably louder. Sirius flicked on the little bedside lamp and felt his heart crumble at the sight of his godson. </p>
<p>He was sitting up in his crib, gripping onto the bars in both his chubby fists, head thrown back as he sobbed and sobbed. Tears and snot rolled down his little face, leaving a growing wet patch on the front of his onesie. </p>
<p>“Harry?” Sirius murmured, heartbroken, voice cracking. </p>
<p>Harry looked up at Sirius through the bars and his crying instantly began to quieten into the faintest sobs, though he was still hyperventilating worryingly. Sirius crossed the little room, carefully prying Harry’s fists from the bars of his crib and lifting him out of the crib. Sirius swayed back and forth in the middle of the room, holding Harry to his chest, rubbing his hand up and down his back in an effort to calm the infant down enough to stop hyperventilating so much. Harry clutched onto the fabric of Sirius’ oversized shirt, face tucked into the crook of his neck and leaving another wet patch with his tears. Sirius glanced out of the gap in the curtains and saw the very beginning of the sunlight peeking into the room and knew it would be futile to attempt actually getting back to sleep again. </p>
<p>Finally, after a few minutes, Sirius was able to settle Harry’s crying to sniffles and the occasional whine. When he tried to test if he could put Harry down again, the toddler tightened his grip on his shirt and Sirius felt his pulse picking up sharply. Sirius sighed, relenting and accepting that it was going to be one of those days.  </p>
<p>Carefully, Sirius carried Harry back to his and Remus’ bedroom, shifting him to one of his hips. He was only partly surprised to find Remus sitting up in bed, lamp turned on and a book propped open in his lap. He glanced up from his reading when Sirius entered, cocking a questioning eyebrow. </p>
<p>Sirius shook his head, closing the door behind him with his foot and moving over to the bed. “He won’t even let me put him back down,” Sirius whispered, clambering into bed with difficulty, trying not to drop or disturb Harry. He shifted against the headboard until one of his shoulders was pressed right up against Remus’, Harry’s face tucked against the other side of his neck. </p>
<p>Nobody said a word for a long, long time. Remus continued reading his book and Sirius cradled Harry in his arms, running his thumb up and down one of his chubby arms. He looked at the lightning bolt scar on his forehead, almost hidden by the messy dark curls, an imperfection on someone far too young. Harry blinked up at him, tear tracks still glimmering on his flushed cheeks and those bright emeralds surrounded by bloodshot veins.</p>
<p>“I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong,” Sirius whispered into the quiet. He looked down at the toddler in his arms, now sucking his thumb and staring up at him. </p>
<p>“You’re not doing anything wrong,” Remus murmured, putting his book down and turning his head to look at Sirius. He frowned. “It’s hard to raise a toddler in general nevermind a traumatised one when you’re barely 22, Sirius. You’re doing the best you can.” </p>
<p>“But what if it’s not enough? What if my best still isn’t enough for him?” </p>
<p>“It will be,” Remus replied, certain. He bent down and pressed a kiss to the side of Sirius’ head, right where his temple was, hidden by his shoulder-length hair. </p>
<p>“I’m letting them down. James and Lily and Harry,” Sirius murmured. “Harry shouldn’t be stuck being taken care of by such a wreck like me.” </p>
<p>Remus put his book to the side and shifted to sit on his knees, wrinkling his forehead as he looked down at Sirius. “That’s bullshit and you know it. They didn’t make you his godfather for nothing, Sirius. They trusted you and they… they wanted you to take care of him just in case…” He combed his fingers through his hair, looking down at his old and slightly hole-y pyjama bottoms. </p>
<p>“I just wish I could help him. It’s not normal to be this attached to someone, is it?” said Sirius. “It physically hurts to hear him crying when he misses them or he can’t find me for whatever reason and I can’t even help him.” He rearranged Harry in his arms so he could sit up more, bending his knees to let Harry lean against them. He still grasped the front of Sirius’ shirt, eyes wide as he stared at him. </p>
<p>“You were the first person to find him after—after it happened,” Remus said gently. “And then you were the main person he saw when you were trying to get Dumbledore to let you take him in. And he always adored you more than the others. Perhaps he’s clinging to you for normality or something. He trusts you.” </p>
<p>Sirius considered this for a moment, thumbing the fabric of Harry’s onesie. Harry didn’t like it when people moved too quickly, too abruptly, always startling and bursting into tears, so Sirius had fallen into the habit of moving much slower and gentler than he was used to. Now, soothingly stroking Harry to keep him calm, he just hoped it would be enough. </p>
<p>As they started the rest of their day with cups of strong tea and curling up by the flickering fireplace, Sirius hoped it was enough. As he carried Harry everywhere on his hip, talking in low voices and spending over an hour talking Harry into even touching his yoghurt or toast, he hoped it was enough. As he sat Harry on the bathmat when he went to the loo because Harry screamed when he tried to go without him, he hoped it was enough. When he held Harry close as he napped on the couch and let Harry tug on his hair and sent apologetic looks towards Remus every time Harry avoided him, he hoped it was enough. When he had no choice but to sleep in the rocking chair in Harry’s bedroom, magically softened, so that Harry could sleep, leaving Remus by himself in their room, he hoped it was enough. </p>
<p>On the hardest days in which hardly a word was spoken in the house and grief seemed to settle over them as thick and heavy as lead, all Sirius could hope for was to be enough. And deep down, as he rocked gently back and forth, watching the gentle rise and fall of Harry’s chest as he finally slept, he supposed it was.</p>
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